Those of us who work with children every day are often unaware of some of the factors that cause children to behave the way they behave. Unfortunately, in this day and age, time doesn’t always permit us to know as much as we can.

Feeling very fortunate to live with a developmental therapist who has specialized in early childhood trauma, I’ve learned quite a bit over the years.  There are things I’ve learned that I wish I had known when I became a teacher.

Early childhood trauma refers to traumatic experiences that occur in children from birth to age 6. Many people will say “they’re too young to understand that.” Well, that is almost always a false statement. As adults, we tend to think kids don’t understand and therefore are not affected by anything traumatic. We often think this because kids can’t fully verbalize their feelings.

One of the most amazing things I learned was that babies could experience trauma in the womb or shortly after birth.  Even those babies who are adopted experience trauma and sense they have been taken away from their birth mother.  For this reason, adopted kiddos often have different behaviors later in life. They need to be disciplined and treated differently than other children.  There are plenty of articles out there on the subject and it’s all very interesting. For people who deal with children, I think it’s almost vital we know about it all.

I know a child who had brain cancer as an infant. She had two brain surgeries before she was a year old and then went through several months of chemotherapy. Later in life, she had another brain surgery and also another procedure. All of this was necessary, but all the same, traumatic.

Throughout her young life, she has dealt with being misunderstood. She can sometimes appear moody, painfully shy, and sometimes even rude.

In her very early days of school, she would often be difficult to deal with when someone wanted to give her any attention or single her out.  There was a period of time when she would not pose for a school picture.

In early grade school, the teacher would often talk about how “dramatic” she was when dealing with her friends. It turned out her best friend was quite clingy, often getting mad at her if she played with someone else. There was some rivalry and some unpleasant talk between the two. To deal with all the drama, this little girl would often cry, spending a lot of time in tears due to this young friendship. Although the teacher had no way of knowing what the problem was really, this little girl’s behavior was often dismissed as “girl drama.” I remember her teacher often saying “Oh, soooo dramatic!”  Recently, I was asked if this kiddo was still so dramatic.

I would just smile. No fault of the teachers. She doesn’t know the whole story and I don’t expect her to.

Over the years, various teachers and leaders have complained she was too quiet.  Once, an impatient person said “If she doesn’t start speaking up, she isn’t going to do very well.” A colleague once reprimanded her in the hallway for not saying “hello.” This little girl came to me in tears, not fully understanding what she had done wrong.

Yes, I deal with this kid a lot more than most. I know the silly side of her and I know what is underneath the shy exterior. I know her apparent rudeness is not intentional, and the incredible shyness is something we work on all the time. We are relieved to see her talking and laughing with her friends, and we love it when her youth leader tells us about her silly, joking side that she often shares at youth group.

Sure, I know more than most do in this situation. However, as a teacher, I completely understand the reaction of others.  I’ve stopped kids in the hallway and told them it’s rude not to return a “good morning” when someone greets you. I’ve gotten impatient with students and told them to speak up. Some students whom I’ve perceived as rude have been subjected to a mini-lecture on good manners.  I’m sure I’ve messed up royally, not taking into account where these kids come from or what they’ve been through.

How are we supposed to know all the details?  I mean, even knowing what I know, I still get impatient, offended and aggravated.
I completely get the frustrations of others. We don’t always understand and we don’t always know what’s underneath the exterior.

It’s too bad we don’t have more time to understand.

In a perfect world, it would benefit us to know the full story of everyone, wouldn’t it?

Things would be so much easier!