Yes, here is yet another column related to the movie “The Blind Side.” It’s rare that I would write so many different columns on one movie.

I have a couple more to go.

A close friend of mine who was watching with me on the couch worked closely with families who have adopted children. She went through training. She got a degree. Anyone who watched her work and knew her work would call her an expert on adopted children.

Years ago when I was a very young teacher, I had a little boy in my class who had been adopted from another country. To be blunt, he would steal anything that wasn’t nailed down.  He would sneak in at morning recess and eat out of other kids’ lunch boxes. He would steal things out of my desk. I once went to his locker and he had a pair of my gloves and my stapler tucked neatly in the cubby hole above his backpack.

I never quite understood. We seemed to have a great relationship. He would write notes to me telling me I was his favorite teacher. Yet, the stealing continued.

Naturally, and doing what I thought was the right thing, I punished him. I made him do chores around the classroom. I sent him to the principal’s office. I made him stand against the brick wall at recess, facing everyone, but not allowed to play. I made him sit in the hall sometimes to help him think about his actions.

Back then, I didn’t know anything about early trauma or adoptive kids. I had yet to meet my “close friend.” I wish I had had the knowledge she later taught me when I first started teaching.

Early trauma is something I think everyone needs to know about. If you are an adoptive parent or deal with adopted kids on a regular basis, you need to know what it is. It is something to take very seriously.

Children who are adopted go through a trauma, even if they are adopted right away as infants. Yes, even children who are immediately handed over to their adoptive parents in the delivery room experience trauma. This was something I didn’t understand at first. However, after my close friend explained it to me and gave me several examples of behaviors, I completely understand it.

Babies hear their mother’s heartbeat when they are in the womb. Their mama’s heartbeat is in sync with their own heartbeat. They hear their mother’s voice for nine months on a daily basis. There is a connection.

When they are adopted, this connection is broken. Am I saying adoption is a bad thing?  Certainly not. There’s a great need for adoptive parents and it is a wonderful thing to adopt.

With quality caregiving, proper emotional bonding and nurturing, a new connection can certainly be made to adoptive parents. Yes, it can be done.

There are of course many more types of trauma for these children. Some of them, especially if they are adopted from other countries, may go through extremely difficult and sometimes horrific situations before they are rescued.

In the movie “The Blind Side,” we see “Big Mike,” an impoverished young man who had witnessed all types of trauma. He had been taken away from his home. He had most likely witnessed crimes, abuse, and many more issues. Simply being taken away from his mother and made to live in a series of foster homes would have been enough trauma.

It seems to me Big Mike was not the norm. He wandered the streets, took care of himself, and was mild-mannered, gentle, and even pretty good-natured.  Sure, he showed some signs of abuse. He was shy. He showed signs of mistrust. For the most part, Big Mike was not your typical foster or adoptive child.  It seems the family who took him in had no problems with him at all. And for the sake of all of them, I hope this was an accurate portrayal. It’s possible, but not probable.

Most kids with early trauma or indeed, any trauma, have issues. Yes, it would be safe to say that even kids who are with their biological parents could have experienced trauma that affects the whole family later on. Bitter divorce, separation from a parent/caregiver for extended periods of time, death of a person close to them, neglect (even in good families), many hospitalizations or medical trauma are just a few examples.  With the right kind of emotional nurturing, the problems that could arise can be lessened and in some cases, avoided.

Adoptive families often witness kids who are defiant, angry and even violent. Some adopted kids will lash out, run and hide, or even become hoarders. Adopted kids may avoid eye contact, be inappropriately affectionate or even be overly familiar with strangers. Again, with the right kind of attention to these issues, adoptive families can cope and help their adopted child adjust.

Many times, adoptive families may think their child is being defiant on purpose. They may think they can “love” these behaviors out of the child.  They may think a good dose of old-fashioned discipline will solve it all. According to my close friend, this is not the case.

We know many folks who have adopted and my close friend has worked with numerous adoptive families. It’s hard to talk to your friends about how they should raise their adopted kids. It’s tough, according to my close friend, to talk to some families when you only come to visit once a week or so.  Parents seem to be the main problem: much of the time, they are unwilling to believe their new child needs to be treated differently than other children.  They don’t want advice from anyone; even a person with years of experience and two degrees.

I asked my close friend about my former students who have been adopted, especially the one who would steal from me often. “He wanted a relationship with you. He wanted to be close to you and thought by taking something from you, he was getting a piece of a relationship with you.” Sure, it sounded strange to me. But, after more discussion, it made sense.

Kids who have experienced trauma need to be disciplined in different ways. Due to the fact many of them may have been on their own quite a bit, giving them a “time out” or making them go somewhere alone may add to the bad behavior. Spanking can bring past traumas back or aggravate an issue.  There are many things to know and I couldn’t include it all here.

No. Love and normal discipline aren’t enough. I think adoptive families need to know these things up front. It’s good that a movie like “The Blind Side” shows people selflessly giving a needy child a home.  However, I think parents need to know that raising an adoptive child requires a lot more than just giving them hugs, a place to live, and basic parenting.

After all, life isn’t always as pretty and easy as it looks in the movies.