I told you that 15 years ago, I wrote two consecutive columns about moving to a new house. 

Now, we have moved to another home, and I have enough information to furnish you with anecdotes out the wazoo.  

However, this is my one and only moving column.  I’ll try to be brief.

I’m warning you, I’m a little bitter and ticked off, even now. Although we have had blessing after blessing, I still have a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t like feeling this way, so maybe telling you about it will help me. Please forgive my selfish need to make myself feel better.

We tried to keep as much humor in our move as possible. Lots of people helped. My dry-witted daughter compared the two moves in her life, stating she’d gotten on the preschool bus at the old house and rode to the then “new” house after.  

For this current move, she drove to college classes from the old house and came “home” to the new place. 

I’m afraid we needed as much humor as we could.  

Citizens of “Perfectionville, Illinois,” you need to take a good look at the office of your city inspector.  The part-time inspector in that office combed through our old house with an unrealistic checklist, appearing hellbent on getting us to spend as much money as possible.  

I realize that it’s all politics; that if all homes are improved then property values rise and yada, yada, yada. My family was forced to spend money we didn’t have in order for our house to be “safe for occupancy.” We ended up spending close to $10,000. Of course, being a school teacher (an occupation I chose), I had that extra money just tucked away safely for such a time as this.  

Sure, some repairs were necessary and we were glad to know about them and make them right. However, many of the repairs were a bunch of patootie and nothing but a way for the inspector to take a power trip. 

Part-time city inspector of Perfectionville, you are not a fair guy and we have a hard time understanding why you treat people this way.  Shame, shame, shame on you. I hope someone holds you more accountable and things change for people in the future who want to move to greener pastures.

Also, it should be known that houses in Perfectionville are happily overpriced.  We looked at some “lipstick on a pig” houses around here with unfinished basements and high price tags. You get more bang for your buck if you move a few minutes away.  

I would highly recommend that. Come join us.

I have to mention something a little snarky, but I’m in a snarky mindset. Can you tell? I heard something that did not surprise me, but really was yet another commentary on the mentality of many in these small, affluent kingdoms of the metropolitan area.  

Did you know there was once a group of city officials who suggested that real estate companies shouldn’t put “for sale” signs in yards in Perfectionville? The reason? “It looks messy.” I kid you not. From a reliable source with more than one witness. This is a commentary on the attitudes of many in this town.  

What a shame.

I’m not going to be completely  bitter and grumpy because there are dear, wise and wonderful people who live in this town. We had some lovely people in our old neighborhood, too.  They are not part of the town majority. They place importance on relationships and how people should be treated. They go deeper than surface level.

When they ask “How are you?” they really want to know.  They aren’t concerned with the mundane and the superficial. They don’t go into debt “keeping up with the Joneses.” Bless them.

Speaking of dear people, I must say my dark-hearted and nasty self doesn’t really deserve some of the fine people that have chosen to be in our lives. We had people donate transport and manpower to our move. It was nothing short of a miracle, really. On one Saturday morning, a group of about 15 people made our lives about 97 percent less stressful. If it hadn’t been for that old inspector fella, we’d have been 100 percent.

I will also give a shameless plug here and tell you I highly recommend the realtor we used. Our realtor and his staff are saints and huge blessings to us. Feel free to email me and I will give you the details. 

There was never anything fakey-fake about this company, and to say they fought tooth and nail to make sure we got out of our old house and into our new one is an understatement. I’m sure there were things done for us we still don’t know about. 

I haven’t had a lot of experience with real estate companies, but I’m pretty sure that few, if any, go to the great links ours did. No flash, no blowing smoke.  Just sincerity, real conversations, truth and genuine people. Appearances aren’t important to these people; just relationships and the lives of the buyers and sellers. We are indebted to them.

It is more than apparent to us that we made the right decision to move to another community. We immediately felt at home. Everything seems to fit. The new neighborhood we live in is neat and well kept, but it does not appear full of persnickety attitudes. We feel we can relax and enjoy things there.

People who move often talk about forgetting to turn the right corner or suddenly realizing they were driving down the street of their old home. Not us. We immediately felt disconnected and we were more than ready to go. Let’s get the heck out of Dodge.

If you’d like to visit us, we are living in the garage of our new home for a while. We’ve had to take in borders and rent other parts of the house to pay for all the improvements done to our former home.  

I’m glad we did,  of course, because higher property values and taxes will keep riff raff out of Perfectionville.  

Citizens of Perfectionville, I am pleased to inform you that some of the riff raff have left town. We are glad we did.

Email me at marksremarks10@gmail.com for any advice you need on moving. I’ll give you an earful.