Growing older and the information that comes with it is not always something I relish. 

Along the same lines, I’m in a position where I’ve gotten to know families, served as a sort of educational counselor at times, and watched  a generation of kiddos grow up and leave home.

I’ve listened, observed, and followed up for three decades.

I risk people thinking I’m a judgmental mess (which I’ll admit, I resemble) and also someone saying “Who do you think you are?” I also feel as though my opinions fall on deaf ears at times, which is why I don’t really share them unless I’m asked.

Over the almost 20 years of writing this column, I have spent a great deal of time writing about how parenting or the lack of it has been the bane of my existence as a teacher. Educators across the board will tell you the same things.  Parents are a group that often don’t know what the heck they are talking about.  Couple that with the fact that they only have their own child as their focus, and you can run into a heap of trouble.

I’m going to go ahead and tell you what this old codger has observed over the years. I’ve watched the families who have an overbearing, controlling and clueless parent who runs the show. Usually, this parent has their own baggage or hang-ups, as many parents do (including me).  

The control-freak parents who hover and try to guide every single aspect of their child’s life are practically worn out most of the time.  They have stress and anxiety because it’s nearly impossible to control everyone and everything.  They get involved with conversations that their children have with other kids. Many of those parents are constantly bemoaning the fact that their children are picked on. They are concerned daily with what clothes their children wear.  They worry every second that their children are not going to do exactly as they say.

Sometimes, there are two parents in the family like this. But by the grace of God, it’s usually just one.  

I will go ahead and say that in my experience, it’s usually the mother. Sorry.  Hard truth.

Now look, I think parents need to do their job.  They DO need to know what is going on all the time. However, there are certain things that parents need to stand back on.  They need to let their children make educated decisions and think for themselves. They need to allow their children to fail. They need to let their children lose a game and know that it’s OK.  

I’ve watched some of these children go completely wild when they moved away. Their poor, control-freak parents shake their heads and say “I don’t know why they are acting this way” and miserably succumb to helplessness.

Because, you see, once controlling people (bullies, bossy people) can no longer control everyone, they become pitiful victims. They continue to try to control through gaining pity for their circumstances.

Many of these kids who felt oppressed and controlled their entire lives don’t visit much. They don’t call home. They place distance between themselves and their parents because they are finally allowed to make their own decisions and enjoy life a little. They decide they won’t report back every aspect of their lives anymore.

And their poor parents feel neglected and mistreated.

What is interesting is that many of these controlling parents were controlled as children themselves. Try as they might, they fell into the same old patterns when they became parents.  

Why? Because it is a familiar parenting style and they don’t know any better.  

Still, it’s interesting, isn’t it?  

So, here I am, thinking I’m a wise old owl and all full of myself. But I’m telling you, I’ve sat back and watched and even when I get over myself and feel sorry instead of judging, the facts are hard to miss.  Parents who are bossy, controlling, and oppressive are often left on their own as they grow older. 

I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

Is there a fix?  I feel like I screwed up royally as a parent many times and so I’ve just tried to have conversations with my kids.  For the most part, they’ve been understanding. I think there has to be a time when you talk about things with your children, especially if they are struggling with something. 

In order to have healthy relationships with your adult children, you have to be open to discussion and, more importantly, taking ownership of your failings.  Then you ask for forgiveness and move on. If you foster this relationship, your children will suddenly feel that it’s OK to mess up and more importantly, they will know they can come to you with anything.

It’s heartbreaking when parents and children lose a connection simply because the parents struggle with poor nurturing or are clueless about the repercussions of a tight leash.  

But as I said, I think it’s fixable as long as all parties involved are open to discussion, taking ownership and seeking and offering forgiveness.

Again, just some advice from an old owl – wise or not.