It happened, even with my brother and I. 

We’d be at our grandparents or someone else’s house. Our parents would come to pick us up, and we’d get into a little skirmish or argument. We might throw a fit or cry or something. We didn’t do it often, but we did it.

My grandmother especially would say “Now, you’ve been well-behaved all day long.” This was true. We had been good little boys, and now we were acting a little ornery in front of our parents.

When I grew up, I became very judgmental of kids who acted like this.  When Michelle watched kiddos in our home while our own kids were little, parents would come to pick up their kids and some of the kids would start acting like little stinkers.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. I would silently fire up the judgmental machine that my brain can become in a matter of seconds. Immediately, I would assume the parents were too lenient or lazy.  I would assume that the parents didn’t give their children enough attention.  

Most of the time (heck, all of the time), I’m pretty hard on parents. I blame them for almost everything.

Michelle and I would make comments, much like my grandma.  “You’ve been so good all day long! Are you tired? Tell mom what a good kid you’ve been today.” 

We’d try to help rectify the situation, regardless of our unfair judgment.

Shame on me. Look, I’m not above recognizing things in myself, apologizing, and changing my attitude. It ain’t always easy, but I can do it.

I read an article earlier in the summer written by Dr. Crystal Lee and published in various places online and also apparently in Reader’s Digest. Dr. Lee,  a child psychologist with several years of experience in the mental health field, has worked with parents and children.

She made good points.  Her article made me change my tune a bit.

In the article, she talks about how children push limits, have meltdowns, and are so much worse when their parents show up.  

Then, she made her first good point. 

She asked readers (adults) to think about their own behavior. When we are around people we aren’t around a lot, we are more formal and guarded, simply because we are not sure how people will react to us. Then, of course, around family and friends, we are more ourselves because we feel safe and already know that we are accepted and loved, even if we are being ornery or stinkers.

When I read this, I immediately started thinking of my judgmental self and how I had made assumptions about parents for years.

Dang. Sorry about that, folks.

So, maybe kids have felt guarded or formal, maybe they’ve felt edgy or stressed about even something little.  When their parents show up, they breathe a sigh of relief, which sometimes manifests itself in poor behavior.

I’m not totally wrong in my judgments though, according to this educated psychologist.

Thank goodness.  

Her theory is that kids also act out because they want their parents’ attention. Sometimes, the need for attention is so great that kids will even try to get negative attention.

OK,  that makes sense.  I mean, I’ve seen that in the classroom at times, too.

We as parents tend to be the adults in our children’s lives that are the most inconsistent.  I mean, parenting is stinkin’ hard, and it’s tough to always be on the ball. So, kids sense that we aren’t as consistent as a teacher or coach.  Therefore, they act out more because we, as parents, give them more leeway than many other adults in their lives.  Teachers have to be consistent because they are in charge of large groups of kids, as are coaches. Parents have more room to be a little more laid back.

Kids who are acting out are opening themselves up to their parents. They are being more vulnerable than usual, according to the article. Therefore, since vulnerability fosters closeness and feelings of security, parents should be aware.

In the end, it’s still my contention that kids need to be talked to about behavior. Constantly at first. Don’t nag them, just talk to them.  

You can ask them “Hey, why did you act poorly when I picked you up?  Did something go wrong?”  It’s OK to talk to kids about it, and it’s also OK to ask them to act better.  Maybe they can learn that it’s OK to talk about things later and not go crazy.  

I also think we must constantly discuss where good behavior is essential. I often cringed when I took the kids to the store or a restaurant, and there were a few times we had to go out in the parking lot or the bathroom and have a come-to-Jesus meeting.  

You gotta tell kids where poor behavior simply won’t be tolerated.

But heck, this article made me a little less judgmental and a little more understanding. Thank you, Dr. Lee!

Oh, and way to go, Reader’s Digest!